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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27028132">As It Seems</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/BuckyAndDanno/pseuds/BuckyAndDanno'>BuckyAndDanno</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Evan Buckley-Severide Fics [6]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>9-1-1 (TV), Chicago Fire, Chicago PD (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Buck Whump, Eddie Diaz is Bad at Feelings (9-1-1 TV), Eddie Diaz is Emotionally Constipated, Eddie Diaz is in Denial, Emotionally Hurt Evan "Buck" Buckley, Firehouse 118 Family Feels (9-1-1 TV), Guilty Firehouse 118, Hurt Evan "Buck" Buckley, Kelly Is Super Protective, M/M, Protective Firehouse 51, Selective Amnesia, Severide Bros, Upset Evan "Buck" Buckley, lawsuit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-10-15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-02-07</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 04:33:43</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Graphic Depictions Of Violence</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>7</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>16,497</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27028132</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/BuckyAndDanno/pseuds/BuckyAndDanno</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Post Grocery Store (3x05 “Rage”). Buck doesn’t stay and listen to Eddie rage about how much he messed up, about how much he’s lost everything he thought he finally had. He runs. Then suddenly he’s staring up at an expanse of white, and he can’t remember how he even got there. All he can think is “Where’s Kelly? Where’s Jay?”</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Evan "Buck" Buckley &amp; Firehouse 118 Crew, Evan "Buck" Buckley &amp; Firehouse 51 (Chicago Fire), Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz, Evan "Buck" Buckley/Jay Halstead</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Evan Buckley-Severide Fics [6]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1929325</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>97</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>548</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Missteps</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>So I was trying to get back into the flow of Home of the Bears and then I was rereading through Remembrance to get back into that one too, and I suddenly thought ‘what if I mixed the two plots?’ and this happened. Enjoy!</p><p>Disclaimer: I don’t own 9-1-1, Chicago Fire or Chicago PD. I also don’t own As It Seems by Lily Kershaw, from which the title and Ch1 italicised lyrics are used.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p><p>
  <em>Cause this life is as fragile as a dream, and nothing’s ever really as it seems.</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>Mistakes are commonplace among the human race, and missteps in obtaining both forgiveness and happiness also. As a race we strive for perfection, belonging, family, love, but none of these things are simple or easy to obtain, and less so to keep, at least for some.</p><p>Evan Buckley-Severide, known as Buck to most, is one such person. From losing his mother, being ripped from his family, then his sister leaving, to regaining his father, his brother, and an extended family to boot, to then losing them all over again, he’s known over and over what it’s like to be emotionally vulnerable. When he’d first come to LA, broken and lost, he’d grasped onto the first shred of love he could find, and that had been at the 118 firestation.</p><p>The firefam, as they lovingly called themselves, had quickly become his everything, even more so when Eddie and Christopher came along. For the first time in a long while, he had purpose again.</p><p>He felt like he had a family again.</p><p>Then the firetruck exploded, nearly costing him his life, and from there everything had seemed to go downhill. Sure it was most likely a very dumb idea to sue the department – of course his friends, his family, would be hurt by it – but what other choice had he been left with?</p><p>It was fight, or lose them.</p><p>It seems like he’d lost them anyway.</p><p>Stood there in the grocery store as Eddie’s face contorts in anger, Buck can feel every eye on him; both the 118 and bystanders. His entire situation out on show, to be mocked or laughed at – for him to be looked at with disdain or pity, though which one he hated more, he didn’t know.</p><p>Then Eddie’s lips part, rage spewing out in every word, and suddenly Buck’s underwater.</p><p>Except, this isn’t like the tsunami. He isn’t covered by thick silence on all sides. He isn’t drowning, physically anyway.</p><p>No, Buck’s drowning emotionally, a torrent of everything he’d pushed down – every inadequacy, every failure – spinning around inside him like a freak tornado.</p><p>Suddenly, he can’t breathe.</p><p>
  <em>You’re exhausting.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>We manage to suck it up.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Why can’t you?</em>
</p><p>His chest burns, tears masking his eyes, and then he’s running blindly out into the street.</p><p>
  <em>You’re exhausting.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>You’re exhausting.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>You’re exhausting.</em>
</p><p>Something heavy and unforgiving slams into his side. He’s weightless, crumpled, flying. Then he hits the concrete with a dull thud, and all he can see is black.</p><p> </p><p>Eddie hurts.</p><p>As soon as he catches sight of Buck in the grocery store, clearly out of place and waiting – for them – everything inside him just seems to explode.</p><p>He’s missed the man, so god damned much, and while he hates what’s happened and how it’s come between them, wants nothing more than to fix it, the anger is what he feels first. It takes over every inch of his body, and suddenly he’s yelling.</p><p>“You’re exhausting!”</p><p>It spews out from every pore on his body, every part of him wound up too tightly and ready to spring. Buck just so happens to be in the firing line.</p><p>“We manage to suck it up! Why can’t you?”</p><p>He can see the moment the words hit his friend where it hurts. He can see the moment Buck starts to crumble; every tear that leaks from his eyes.</p><p>Yet it doesn’t stop.</p><p>He can’t make it stop.</p><p>Then Buck’s running, pushing past Bosko and out into the street.</p><p>A car horn blares, piercing and wild.</p><p>Eddie turns, just in time to see Buck’s body fly through the air onto the unforgiving concrete.</p><p>“Buck!” The scream rips from his throat, raw and pained and overtaking everything else. He’s out in a flash, the rest of the team on his heels, and then he’s next to Buck, taking in the blood and the unnatural bend of his arm and the too still chest and his closed eyes and…</p><p>Oh god.</p><p>Eddie doesn’t dare to check his pulse.</p><p>He can’t bring himself to know if they even have a friend to save.</p><p>Hen has no such qualms, professional despite her own panic, reaching out two fingers and then breathing a sigh of relief. “Weak and thready, but it’s there.”</p><p>“Okay, we’ve got chest trauma, broken fibula, and no telling what damage that thing has done to his head, neck and spine.” Chim’s voice is shaking, and the comment of ‘that thing’ has Eddie turning to look at the vehicle in question.</p><p>Bobby is speaking softly to the shaking driver, even though his eyes are partially fixed on Buck’s too prone form, but it’s the size of the car that has Eddie’s eyes boggling. Some massive SUV type thing, complete with fake silver bull horns on the front; one covered in blood and a scrap of torn shirt.</p><p>Eddie dares to glance back at Buck, seeing the clear tear across his chest and the bubbling, oozing blood, pumping way too fast for comfort.</p><p>He feels sick.</p><p>Then Chim is throwing trauma dressing over the wound, packing and taping it, while Hen runs back from the ambo with a c-collar and backboard. Within moments they’re loading Buck up into the ambo.</p><p>Eddie’s frozen in place. He can’t move.</p><p>Cap’s hand is warm on his shoulder, and Eddie can see his lips moving, but he can’t hear a thing.</p><p>All he can think is that this is his fault. If he hadn’t yelled, said such awful things, if he hadn’t been so damn angry…</p><p>And why was he so angry anyway? Why did he seem to be worse than even Bobby?</p><p>Why did it hurt him so much?</p><p>“I’m sorry Buck…” He crumples where he stands.</p><p>Eddie hurts.</p><p> </p><p>Buck comes too in the ambulance.</p><p>For a long moment everything is fuzzy and shifting far too rapidly for him to comprehend. Colours dance in front of his eyes, and then someone is rolling him over and he’s puking into a metal container.</p><p>“Easy Buckaroo.” Someone whispers, and that hurts his head even more (and it already feels like someone’s driving a very dull jackhammer into it) because since when has anyone ever called him that? Buck, sure. Sev Jr, yeah. Even Severide once or twice when Kelly was out but…</p><p>Speaking of which –</p><p>“K’l’y?”</p><p>“You back with us, Buck?” The voice asks again. A woman, soft, kind, nurturing. He finds himself forcing his eyes back open, if only to see why she sounds so concerned.</p><p>Everything is white, but the face hovering in his vision is like a whirlwind of emotions that has Buck’s eyes slamming shut again. “Nghhh…” He groans, trying to swipe at his forehead, at the persisting, sickly throb.</p><p>He can’t move his arms.</p><p>His eyes snap open, ignoring how it makes his head whirl and his stomach churn. “Wh…? L’me go…” Has he been kidnapped? Why is he held down? Why can’t he move?</p><p>A hand is on his shoulder then, warm and sure, but it does nothing to comfort him; nothing to calm him down. “Easy, Buck. You’ve been in an accident.”</p><p>Oh… Oh, that explains why he can’t move.</p><p>His eyes slide shut again as he takes stock of himself and… yep, cold plastic of a c-collar, hardness against his back that’s clearly a backboard. Head throbbing, feels like he’s still gonna puke, flaring pain across his chest, coldness of a needle…</p><p>He jerks, flailing one arm against the restraints. “No… No… No!”</p><p>“Buck!”</p><p>“No meds! No meds, please!” He cries, because he’s not going back down that road again. Not when it nearly cost him everything.</p><p>“Buck, you’re going to hurt yourself!” The woman cries, but he doesn’t stop until she complies, slipping the needle out and covering the prick with gauze. “You’re gonna hurt worse without it.” She murmurs softly, and he can hear the confusion also, but he doesn’t know her, he owes her nothing of an explanation.</p><p>The only people he needs are Kelly and Jay.</p><p>The dullness of the medication fades slightly, and while the pain across his chest flares tenfold, he’s no stranger to pain. They’re old friends. He’s had worse. He’s felt worse.</p><p>Blinking back again against the brightness of the ambulance (because he realises now that’s where he is), he looks back at the woman. “K’l’y?” He asks again, mentally cursing his mouth for not cooperating properly but everything hurts and he’s doing his best to just stay awake (he knows – <strong>he knows</strong> – that he needs to stay awake).</p><p>The woman’s frown deepens, looking back at the monitors beside her and the readings, and then back at Buck. “Can you tell me your name?”</p><p>He’s sure she already knows if she called him ‘Buckaroo’ (and again, why?) but he knows the protocol, knows the procedure, and complies; as best he can anyway. “Ev’n B’c’ly Sev’ide.”</p><p>She blinks at him, then. “Date of birth?”</p><p>“Four…” His tongue darts out to lick dry lips. Why is just talking so hard? Why does he feel so tired, so cold? “F’rth M’y n-nine two.”</p><p>“What year is it?”</p><p>Why’s it getting so dark again? He blinks, but the grey doesn’t clear.</p><p>“’m I dy’n?” He slurs, and then the paramedic is frowning at the monitor, pressing more dressing on his chest and shouting to the driver “Faster Chim! He’s bottoming out!”</p><p>“No, baby, you’re not dying. Not today.” She says to him, and there’s something else in her voice beyond fear and panic (concern? Love? He doesn’t know) that makes him force his eyes open, even if he can’t see much. “Not on my watch.”</p><p>He wants to believe her, but the cold is spreading so rapidly and he’s not sure how much longer he can stay awake.</p><p>“m’ h’s’b’nd?” He murmurs, because he needs to know. He doesn’t know how he got into this accident, doesn’t know where he was even, but he needs to know Jay’s okay.</p><p>He has to be okay.</p><p>“Wh’r’s m’ h’s’b’nd?”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Memory</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Thanks for all the love guys!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The ER is a flurry of movement and activity as Buck is wheeled inside. Doctors and nurses race over to the gurney that Hen and Chim are pushing, shouting orders.</p>
<p>“Push 2 milli of – “</p>
<p>“Hang 0 neg and cross match for – “</p>
<p>“Trauma Bay 2!”</p>
<p>Then he’s whisked through heavy steel doors and out of sight.</p>
<p>As soon as her hand slips from the gurney, Hen sinks to the ground, bloodied hands reaching at either side of her head. Chim slides down beside her, pulling her into a tight hug.</p>
<p>“He’ll be okay.” He whispers softly. “He’ll be okay.”</p>
<p>“You don’t know that.” Hen sobs into his shoulder, shaking in his arms. “You can’t promise that.”</p>
<p>“I know him.” Chim responds. “Buck’s tough. He’s been through worse.”</p>
<p>Hen’s red rimmed eyes look up at him, sobs quieting in her throat. “Do you?” She chokes out.</p>
<p>Chim blinks. “What do you - ?”</p>
<p>“Do we really know him?” Hen whispers. “Anymore, anyway.”</p>
<p>“Hen – “</p>
<p>They look up as Eddie and Bobby race in through the doors, spotting them immediately and heading over. “Anything?” Bobby breathes.</p>
<p>“They took him through to trauma” Chim replies.</p>
<p>Eddie swears, raking a hand through his hair</p>
<p>“Why did you do it?” Hen glances up at Eddie, voice breaking with every word. “Why did you beat him down, after everything he’s been through?”</p>
<p>“Hen – “ Eddie shakes his head, own voice hoarse.</p>
<p>“Why did we leave him behind?” She continues, as if he hadn’t even spoken. “Why weren’t we there for him?”</p>
<p>None of them have an answer.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The static beep in the ER is reassuring to the surgeon on call, but the amount of blood being suctioned up is still a cause for concern. Eyes focused on the jagged tear in the man’s chest, the surgeon doubles their efforts, shouting out orders, hands working swiftly.</p>
<p>At the head of the table, another surgeon works on repairing the cranial damage sustained by the collision, brows furrowed and posture tense.</p>
<p>“How’s it looking up there?” The first asks.</p>
<p>The second looks up for the briefest of moments. “Almost done. Cranial fracture’s been fusioned but CT showed some swelling I’m concerned about.”</p>
<p>“We’ll order a neural consult once he’s out.” The first replies. “Finish up and then assist me with this bleeder.”</p>
<p>“You got it.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>More than three hours pass before someone comes to see them. Chim had forced Hen into the bathroom to get cleaned up, the woman’s hands scrubbed raw and eyes still puffy.</p>
<p>All four of them are slumped in the hard plastic chairs of the waiting room, each dealing with their own mixture of worry, regret and disbelief.</p>
<p>How had Buck gotten back here again?</p>
<p>How much of it was their fault?</p>
<p>Hen’s thoughts revolve around the words he’d spoken in the ambulance, on the sheer disconnect between her actions and his own.</p>
<p>He hadn’t recognised her, that much was clear, and it worried her more than words could say as to why that would be.</p>
<p>If he pulled through, would he still be their Buck?</p>
<p>And had he even been their Buck lately?</p>
<p>Had he been their Buck to begin with?</p>
<p>So many questions and so little answers left her confused and tired and scared.</p>
<p>The click of a door swinging open has all of their heads jerking upwards, and Hen’s eyes narrow on the surgeon who exits, jumping up immediately as the woman rounds toward them.</p>
<p>Her face is pale, exhausted, but lined with the smallest of smiles. Hen takes that as hope before the other woman even begins speaking.</p>
<p>“He’s stable and in recovery.”</p>
<p>Four exhaled breaths, relief and gratitude spreading through them.</p>
<p>“Can we see him?” Bobby is quick to ask, and his team knows despite everything that his care and concern for the boy has never wavered. If anything, it’s the reason why any of this has happened at all.</p>
<p>“Shortly.” The woman replies softly. “We have a few tests to run first, but I wanted to put you at ease.”</p>
<p>“Tests?” Chim asks, voice cracking. “What kind of tests?”</p>
<p>The woman sighs. “Your friend suffered a grade 2 concussion and a serious skull fracture. Some swelling has occurred in the cranial tissue, and we want to make sure his neurological observations are fine.”</p>
<p>“You mean like… brain damage?” Eddie’s voice is barely a whisper.</p>
<p>The woman tries for a smile. “It’s just a precaution.” Then she turns, heading back inside. “We’ll let you know when you can see him.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Mr Buckley?”</p>
<p>“Mr Buckley?”</p>
<p>Evan groans as he comes back to consciousness, bright lights searing his eyes and making him screw them shut.</p>
<p>“Let me turn down the light.”</p>
<p>The shine behind his eyelids dims, and Buck takes another moment before he can peel them back open, vision blurring and shifting before it settles.</p>
<p>The woman in front of him is unfamiliar, but the white of her coat marks her as a doctor of some sort, and just that comforts him somewhat.</p>
<p>He’s okay.</p>
<p>He’s alive.</p>
<p>And yet…</p>
<p>“Jay?” He whispers, throat dry yet sticky all at once. “Kelly?”</p>
<p>“Your friends are in the waiting room, Mr Buckley.” The woman states softly, but Buck just frowns at her. He’s not sure how he got here, and it makes him unsure about so many things.</p>
<p>Friends? Who? His team? CPD? Jay? Kelly?</p>
<p>They’re all more like family than anything less.</p>
<p>He shakes his head, wincing at the sharp pain that erupts at the smallest movement. “N-No… My br-brother…” He coughs, trying to rid his throat of the oddness there. “My… My husband…”</p>
<p>The woman frowns, glancing down at her chart, and then back up at Buck. “Kelly Severide?”</p>
<p>“Yes…” He doesn’t know whether to be relieved or concerned on hearing his brother’s name, but he assumes the chart is his file. “Yes.”</p>
<p>“I’ll have someone contact him for you.” She responds, but her frown doesn’t move. Placing the file down, she shines a pen light in his eyes, checks his pupils, then sits back.</p>
<p>“I just have a couple of questions, Mr Buckley?”</p>
<p>“S-Severide is fine.” He tells her, ignoring the sick roil of his stomach. He hasn’t used Buckley in years. His brow furrows even at his own words though. Surely he took Jay’s name but… it’s like there’s a blackness in spots of his brain. Things are fuzzy around the edges, there but also not. “Or… Or Halstead.”</p>
<p>She flicks her eyes back at the chart, then up again. “Mr Severide. Can you tell me your full name?”</p>
<p>He remembers doing this in the ambulance, knows it’s protocol, but surely they can let him rest first. His eyelids feel too heavy, his mind a cloud of grey. “Evan… Evan James Buckley-Severide… Or…” He blinks at her, face crumpling with confusion. “Or Severide-Halstead… Or was it… was it just Halstead?” He speaks mostly to himself, annoyance rising as he tries to untangle the mess his brain seems to be in. “I…”</p>
<p>“Mr Buckley, what year is it?”</p>
<p>He blinks up at her, confusion fading for a short moment. “2020.”</p>
<p>An imperceptible nod, then. “And where are you?”</p>
<p>“Chicago.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>A second woman approaches them not an hour later, but the grim look on her face does nothing to reassure them.</p>
<p>“How is he?” Hen asks, voice still trembling even now. As soon as brain damage had been mentioned, her worries had gone into overdrive.</p>
<p>The woman sighs, and it only heightens their fear. “Mr Severide is suffering from what appears to be selective amnesia.”</p>
<p>“Severide?” Chim asks with a frown, but Hen’s mind is on the part she’d feared.</p>
<p>“Amnesia?”</p>
<p>The woman looks at Chim, then Hen, and then Bobby and Eddie. “He knows it’s 2020, remembers clearly most of his life leading up to 2017. After that, it’s foggy. He knows enough of his name that we can rule out general amnesia or other impairments, but seems confused about his surname. He keeps asking for his brother and husband. The brother – a Kelly Severide – we have on file, but nothing so far as a long term partner. One of my nurses has contacted his brother, who is flying out this evening, which is good, as Evan seems convinced that he is currently in Chicago.”</p>
<p>“Chicago?”</p>
<p>Bobby swallows. “He moved to LA in 2017. So he… he doesn’t remember any of this? Us?”</p>
<p>“I’m aware.” The woman replies. “I’ve been a neurological specialist for over fifteen years and I’ve only seen a handful of these cases. Specific trauma can lead to the brain suppressing memories deemed harmful. In one or two, I’ve seen patients who are fully aware of the time period they’re in, regardless of the amnesia period, who create falsified memories based on what they do remember. In essence, what they assumed happened. I believe that Mr Severide is such a case. From 2017 onwards, he’s believing in a vivid representation of what could have – what his brain thinks should have – happened. So a long term partner became a husband.”</p>
<p>“What do we do?”</p>
<p>“In most cases, trauma resolved allows the memories to resurface, in time. For now, his best option for recovery is to be around those he remembers and who he feels comfortable with. As I said, his brother is arriving shortly, but do any of you know a man named Halstead?”</p>
<p>“No.”</p>
<p>Chim looks up. “But Maddie might.”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Thanks for all the love everyone! I'm going to get back to posting regularly now, so I hope you enjoy the next chapter! :)</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Maddie, it turns out, doesn’t.</p>
<p>When she arrives at the hospital, frantic and worried, they all sit her down and explain what the doctor had told them, and how they never knew Buck even had a brother, never mind that he’d spent time in Chicago.</p>
<p>She looks at them tersely, each of them shrinking back a little. It was no secret to Maddie what had been going on at the 118 as of late – she’d comforted her brother enough times – but the fact that they knew so little about him was new.</p>
<p>Then again, she supposes, it’s not like she’d mentioned Kelly to Howie either.</p>
<p>Then again, she remembers, she wasn’t on the same terms with their brother as Evan was.</p>
<p>Sinking back, she lets it drop for now and says. “Our mom remarried when I was twelve and Evan was seven, to a man named Benny Severide. Benny’s son, Kelly, was fifteen at the time, and became our older brother. We spent seven years in Chicago before they divorced, and Mom took Evan back to Hershey to be with our biological father. I’d met Doug by then, and we moved out of Illinois by ourselves. Kelly never liked Doug, but he also hated that I didn’t take Evan with us; that I didn’t fight for him. I wish to god I had but…” She shakes her head, ridding herself of the memories that threaten to surface. “All I know is Evan left Hershey when he was 18 and moved back to Chicago to be with Benny and Kelly, and joined the firehouse there.”</p>
<p>“So you don’t know who this Halstead is?” Bobby asks.</p>
<p>“No.” She sighs, looking down the hallway as if her brother might magically appear. “I don’t know anything about his time in Chicago. I only know he was there because I contacted him to try and find Evan when I left Doug.”</p>
<p>Bobby purses his lips, nods, while Hen sighs.</p>
<p>“So what do we do?”</p>
<p>“Kelly should know.” Maddie replies. “You said he was on his way?”</p>
<p>They nod.</p>
<p>“So we ask him.” She says. “In the meantime, I want to see my brother.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The stark white room still shocks Maddie as she walks inside, despite having seen them many times, but she supposes that’s more due to the fact that her brother is the person sitting upright in the bed, staring out at the window as if he carries the weight of the world on his shoulders.</p>
<p>“Evan?” She calls out softly, watching with trepidation as his eyes snap to hers, widening in their surprise.</p>
<p>He blinks, once, twice, as if trying to dispel a mirage, before a smile breaks out on his face, grin lighting up the room. “Maddie!”</p>
<p>She’s at his side in an instant, hugging him tightly. “I was so worried.” For a moment she lets herself forget that, to him, she likely hasn’t been in his life for a while. For a moment, she simply lets her bask in the relief that he’s alive. When Bobby had called her, voice shaking, and told her what had happened, she’d immediately fell into panic.</p>
<p>Her brother had been through so much in such a short time, and now this. He didn’t deserve any of it, and her heart broke for him at how much he was enduring.</p>
<p>In some strange way, she was wondering if him forgetting LA wasn’t the worst thing to happen. The 118 had clearly never known him – never appreciated him – so maybe this was the fresh start he needed? Maybe this Halstead, whoever he was, could bring the sparkle back into Evan’s eyes?</p>
<p>But then… he left Chicago for a reason, and Maddie can’t also help but wonder if fate is simply trying to make his life even harder.</p>
<p>Nevertheless she hugs him tightly, whispering softly and soothingly.</p>
<p>“I missed you so much.” Evan croaks, hugging her back just as tight, and a knot of guilt Maddie thought she’d made peace with forms in her stomach.</p>
<p>“I’m here.” She whispers. “And I’m never leaving your side again. I promise.”</p>
<p>He sniffs, and she can feel the shift of his jaw against her shoulder, can almost hear the questions he wants to ask, but instead he simply says. “Doctor said I forgot some things…”</p>
<p>At this she pulls back, brushes a hand through his hair, and nods. “It’s okay, Ev. You… You’ve been through a lot.”</p>
<p>Again she can see the questions forming in his mind, but he just snuggles into her loose embrace, sighing contentedly. “I missed you so much.” He repeats.</p>
<p>“I missed you too.” She replies, pressing a kiss to his head. “But I promise you, Evan, I’ve been by your side for over a year now, and nothing will make me leave it.”</p>
<p>“Love you, Mads.”</p>
<p>“I love you too, little brother.”</p>
<p>Somehow they fall asleep there, Maddie’s head resting on the edge of the bed, their hands locked together, waking only when the click of the door punctures the silence of the room.</p>
<p>Buck blinks, beaming grin stretching his face the moment he recognises the man who enters. “Kelly!”</p>
<p>Maddie’s own eyes flicker open, and sure enough Kelly Severide is striding into the room, taking a place on the other side of the bed and grasping Buck’s hand tightly.</p>
<p>“What kind of mess have you gotten into this time, kiddo?” He teases softly, the edges of his lips turning up into a sad smile.</p>
<p>“Jay always said I was a danger magnet.” Buck replies with a grin, and Maddie watches as Kelly’s expression drops for just a second. Their younger brother doesn’t seem to notice, but it’s enough for Maddie to wonder just what happened in Chicago.</p>
<p>“Yeah, he did.”</p>
<p>“Is he coming?” Buck asks, eyes bright and wide.</p>
<p>There’s a moment where Maddie can see Kelly wrestling with himself, before he nods, forcing a smile to his lips. “Course. He’s just caught up on an op. Won’t be long.”</p>
<p>And damn it if that doesn’t just confuse Maddie further.</p>
<p>“Oh… Okay…” They can both see the light dim in Buck’s eyes somewhat, and that is something that neither sibling will stand for. “Am I really in LA? I don’t…”</p>
<p>“Just rest, kiddo. Okay? All that matters right now, is that you get better.” Holding back a sigh, Kelly squeezes Buck’s hand again, then stands, “Let me call Voight,” and heads to the door.</p>
<p>Buck just nods. Biting back her worry, Maddie just copies Kelly’s movements. “I’ll be right back, Ev.”</p>
<p>Then she’s slipping out after Kelly, brow furrowed. “This Halstead… How badly did he hurt Evan?”</p>
<p>Kelly just sighs, turning to face her. In a single moment, she can see age and pain lining his face, and she just wants to hug him. She doesn’t though; it’s not their thing.</p>
<p>“It’s not that simple, Maddie. Things just… got complicated.”</p>
<p>She huffs a laugh. “Life is complicated Kelly. We’re,” she points between them, “complicated.” After all, it wasn’t lost on her that he barely even spared her a glance.</p>
<p>“We’re not complicated.”</p>
<p>“Sure.” She scoffs. “That why you barely even acknowledged me?”</p>
<p>He scrubs a hand over his face, crossed between annoyed and tired. “Look, I forgave you the minute Evan told me you’d come to LA, but that doesn’t change the fact that <em>he</em> is my priority.”</p>
<p>She stares at him for a long moment, then nods. “Least we can agree on that.”</p>
<p>“Good.” He sighs, taking his phone from his pocket. “As for Jay… Just, let me handle it, okay?”</p>
<p>She wants to argue; wants to know exactly who this man had been to Evan and what had happened. Instead, she just nods. It wasn’t the place or time to play ‘most protective sibling.’ “Okay.”</p>
<p>Kelly watches her go back into Evan’s room, then continues heading down the corridor to the nearest exit so he can get a signal. Several deep breaths and a handful more overthought sentences later, he presses the call button.</p>
<p>At the very least, the confused tone that greets him is manageable. “Kelly?”</p>
<p>“Jay… Uh, look… Evan’s hurt. I need you to come to L.A.”</p>
<p>A pause, then. “What?”</p>
<p>Kelly can’t help but smile a fraction at the concern and worry that immediately laces the other man’s voice. He wasn’t blind to the fact that Jay’s feelings for his brother still lingered (more than lingered, his traitorous mind whispers), but it was another thing to hear it so plainly.</p>
<p>“He’s gonna be fine but um… he doesn’t remember being here, and he’s asking for you, and you… you just need to get here, okay? Jay, just… get here.”</p>
<p>“Kelly… I don’t…”</p>
<p>A huff echoes through the mouthpiece, hand curling into the edges of his shirt as he forces himself to stay calm. “What you did… he doesn’t remember. But he needs you, Jay… and I’ll be damned if I let you hurt him again.”</p>
<p>“Okay…” A shaking breath rattles in his ear. “Okay.”</p>
<p>“We’re at LA General. Call me when you get here.” He ends the call slightly more forcefully than he meant to, shoves his phone back into his pocket, and rakes both hands through his hair.</p>
<p>Another deep breath, and then he’s heading back into the bowels of the hospital.</p>
<p>Like he said to Maddie, Evan was his priority, and no-one was going to hurt his baby brother while he had anything to say about it.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Chapter 4</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Thanks again for all the love guys! I’m so glad you’re still excited about this story, and you’ve all inspired me to write and post chapter four today! Enjoy! :)</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Almost the moment Maddie leaves the room, Buck slumps back into the bed, body trembling just slightly.</p>
<p>From the moment the doctor had told him what she suspected – that he’d lost three years of his life – he’d felt this immense sense of cold settle over him.</p>
<p>Was it good things he’d forgotten, or bad?</p>
<p>Jay, Kelly, even Maddie… he had wondered if they were still okay.</p>
<p>So from the moment Maddie had stepped into the room, declaring not only that she was there but that she had been for over a year, it had warmed every inch of Buck, somewhat gluing the fragments of himself back together.</p>
<p>Then Kelly arrived, and he’d felt nothing less than safe and protected. It didn’t matter what came next, as long as he had his siblings by his side.</p>
<p>The two having now left the room, he feels that chill start to creep up on him once more.</p>
<p>He stares blankly at the ceiling, willing himself to just breathe, when the sound of the door handle turning catches his attention. For a second he hopes its Kelly or Maddie, but the door is moving too slowly, almost hesitant, for it to be either.</p>
<p>Instead, an older man steps into view between the door edge and the frame, wide eyed gaze betraying uncertainty and nervousness.</p>
<p><em>Was this someone who knew him here? </em>Buck thinks, wondering if maybe this stranger will give him some of the answers his siblings seem reluctant to mention.</p>
<p>“You can come in.” He gives the man a soft smile. “I’m not broken.”</p>
<p>At the very least, he gets a laugh out of the man. “It takes a heck of a lot to break you, Buck.” There’s still a sadness in his gaze, but at the very least he moves into the room, taking a seat by the bed. “How are you feeling?”</p>
<p>“Not too bad,” Buck shrugs, “if I try not to think about how I’ve apparently forgotten three years of my life.”</p>
<p>“The doctor said these things usually resolve themselves.” The man replies, smiling softly back at him. “You just need to focus on rest and recovery.”</p>
<p>“You sound like Kelly.” Buck laughs. It’s pretty much all he’s heard the past few hours; from the doctor and Maddie, to Kelly and now this man.</p>
<p>“Your brother?”</p>
<p>The genuine curiosity surprises him. “You two don’t know each other?”</p>
<p>“No, uh… we didn’t get the chance.”</p>
<p>Again Buck finds his curiosity peaked, shifting as best he can without pulling his stitches to face the man. “Why am I here? I… I don’t remember leaving Chicago. I… I didn’t think I ever would.”</p>
<p>The man just sighs and squeezes his hand. “I don’t know why you left, but… I can tell you about your life here? You’ve got a lot of people refusing to leave that waiting room.”</p>
<p>“I do?”</p>
<p>“Yeah…” Another flicker of sadness crosses the man’s face, much as he tries to hide it. “You do.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The hallway outside of Buck’s room is quiet despite the people slumped against walls or in chairs. Kelly had barely noticed them on his way in but now they’re too hard to ignore.</p>
<p>He recognises the team from the 118 from the pictures Buck had sent him, and he feels his hands begin to curl almost instinctively.</p>
<p>These were the people who his baby brother had trusted – who he’d thought were family – after everything he’d been through in Chicago. They had made him feel safe again, and then they’d gone and thrown it right back in his face the moment things got tough.</p>
<p>For them to be waiting here now like they cared…</p>
<p>It irked Kelly more than words could say.</p>
<p>He sees the look of warning Maddie gives him, but not even Buck himself could tame the rage Kelly is feeling on his behalf, never mind his estranged sister.</p>
<p>“He doesn’t need any of you here.”</p>
<p>The force of his voice startles them, but it’s the man Kelly holds most disdain for who is the one to speak up.</p>
<p>“I’m sorry?” Eddie pushes himself off the wall he was slumped against, looking over at Kelly with incredulity. “Buck’s been with us here for the better part of three years, and up until a few hours ago, we didn’t even know you existed.”</p>
<p>“Shows how much you asked about his life really.” Kelly snaps back, watching with grim satisfaction as Diaz flinches. “I knew about all of you.”</p>
<p>“We’re his friends.”</p>
<p>“<strong>Were</strong>.” Kelly growls softly, ignoring again the hand on his arm and the light call for calm from Maddie. “Don’t think I don’t know how you’ve been treating him the past few months.”</p>
<p>“He sued us.” Another pipes up – Han, Kelly’s mind supplies – but he’s silenced immediately by the force of Kelly’s glare.</p>
<p>“Because your captain kept him back and <strong>lied</strong> to him about it! Last I checked, that’s valid grounds.”</p>
<p>“What do you even know about it?” Diaz says, moving closer. “Maybe we do things differently in LA than you’re used to.”</p>
<p>“Trust me, I know a lot.” Kelly spots. “Like Evan, I’m a lieutenant with the CFD; legality and paperwork is what I spend half my time on.”</p>
<p>It’s the woman – Wilson – who blinks dumbly at him then. “Buck’s a lieutenant?”</p>
<p>Kelly just stares. “Are you serious right now?”</p>
<p>“Kelly…” Maddie tries again, but Kelly just whips around to her.</p>
<p>“Are you hearing this?” He shakes his head, whirling back around to the 118. “<strong>Lieutenant Evan Severide</strong> is the youngest in CFD history to gain that title and the youngest to make it onto rescue squad. You think he just showed up at your firehouse with the guts and skill to carry out high risk rescues with absolutely no experience? Are you that blind?”</p>
<p>“He… never told us.”</p>
<p>“That’s your excuse?” Kelly scoffs, absolutely dumstruck by the sheer lack of interest these people had ever had in Evan.</p>
<p>Some family.</p>
<p>“So I can guess it’s also your excuse for how you treated him, right?” He continues, ignoring the emotional turmoil he can see passing over every one of their faces. “Oh he’s just some dumb kid so of course he makes poor life choices.”</p>
<p>He’s pacing the room by this point, and either the 118 are too scared to say anything back to him or they know he’s right, because none of them attempt to stop his tirade.</p>
<p>“And you!” He stares straight at Diaz, who at least has the wherewithal to look ashamed at what Kelly is saying. “You were supposed to be his best friend and all you did was tell him to suck it up and move on! He was there for you when no-one else was, helped you, cared about you and your son, and this is how you repay him?!”</p>
<p>He can’t even bring himself to care much when Diaz turns tail and leaves, white hot anger still burning through him. “None of you deserve him.”</p>
<p>He can feel Maddie’s hand gripping his arm tighter now, and it brings him back somewhat. At least, until Nash steps out from Buck’s room with a disapproving look and says:</p>
<p>“Now isn’t the time or place for this, and Buck’s trying to rest.”</p>
<p>Kelly just stares hard at the man who Buck had looked up to and admired. “You are not the person to speak about what he needs. Don’t you dare try to act like you’re concerned about him, when you were ready to toss him away.”</p>
<p>Maddie just sighs. “Kel…”</p>
<p>Kelly huffs, forcing himself to let most of the anger ebb away. “Just… go.” It’s the last thing he says before he stalks back into Buck’s room, and he hopes to god they listen.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>It takes Eddie several hours and a conversation with Carla before he has the courage to go back to the hospital. It’s only through the grace of Maddie that he gets in to see Buck, but the moment he’s faced with a blank stare and the stark white bandage around his friend’s head, Eddie doesn’t know what to say.</p>
<p>It’s Buck who tries first for a smile and a casual, “Hi,” with a little wave.</p>
<p>Eddie just stares, resulting in a nervous laugh from the man in the bed.</p>
<p>“It probably looks scary, but I swear I’m fine besides the whole ‘who are you and why am I here?’ thing.”</p>
<p>Maybe it’s the patented Buck humour that relaxes him just a fraction; enough for him to move forward and take a seat beside the bed. “Sorry.” He speaks softly, still unsure how the hell they’re supposed to go about this. “It’s just… hard seeing you in a hospital bed again.”</p>
<p>“Yeah, Bobby mentioned I’m a little accident prone…”</p>
<p>“A little?”</p>
<p>“Maybe he used the words ‘a lot’ but… who’s counting?” Buck gives him a wry smile. “Is it gonna be weird if I ask who you are?”</p>
<p>“A little.” Eddie admits. “But it’s hardly your fault.”</p>
<p>Slipping his phone from his pocket, he pulls up one of their pictures from before the truck exploded; at the fair with Christopher. “I’m Eddie, and this is my son, Christopher. Me and you, we’re… really good friends.” He’s not sure if he can quite classify himself as ‘best friend’ anymore. “And Chris… he really looks up to you.”</p>
<p>“Yeah?” Buck frowns softly. “I never thought I’d be good with kids.”</p>
<p>“You’re the best.” Eddie laughs softly. “All the team’s kids love you.”</p>
<p>“Favourite uncle, huh?” Buck smiles, but there’s a sadness there too that Eddie can’t quite put his finger on.</p>
<p>“The favouritest.”</p>
<p>“That isn’t a word.”</p>
<p>“It is if I say it is.”</p>
<p>Both laugh, and for a moment it almost feels like everything is normal again. For a moment, Eddie can let himself believe that they’re fine.</p>
<p>But really, he knows they’re not, and moreover, he knows he owes Buck the truth before he thinks that everything in LA is all fine and dandy.</p>
<p>“Buck… I…”</p>
<p>The door creaks open, effectively stopping the words that were about to leak from Eddie’s mouth. He can only watch as Buck’s eyes widen – a sparkle that had been gone for a while suddenly returning tenfold – at the new visitor.</p>
<p>“Jay!”</p>
<p>The man sets Eddie on edge immediately, for reasons he’s not sure he can explain, even as a wide smile pulls at his lips, hand running through rumpled dark hair. He looks between Eddie and Buck, a tinge of wariness darkening his eyes. “Am I… interrupting?”</p>
<p>“No, no!” Buck is quick to reach out for the man, to stop him from leaving, before flashing Eddie a quick smile. “We can catch up tomorrow, right?”</p>
<p>“Yeah.” Eddie tries to stop himself from hurting at that; reminds himself that he’s the reason Buck ended up here in the first place. He doesn’t get to feel jealous.</p>
<p>Was it even jealousy? Buck had clearly left the man, even if he didn’t remember it, and why would he be jealous? Buck was his best friend, even with everything that had happened, but that didn’t mean Eddie had to be the only person close to him, right?</p>
<p>That was stupid, more so considering the past few months and how strained their friendship had become.</p>
<p>Slipping out from the hard plastic chair and relieving a knot in his back, Eddie smiles back at Buck. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”</p>
<p>“kay.”</p>
<p>But the moment they had is gone, and Buck is too busy grinning at the man across from them to notice much as Eddie leaves the room.</p>
<p>Jay, meanwhile, stands resting against the edge of the bed, having moved further in at Eddie’s retreat, but still not trusting himself to get too close. His eyes run over Buck’s body for a moment, taking in the injuries. His heart aches at the sight of the man under white hospital sheets again, even as he forces himself to push those memories aside, to not go down that road.</p>
<p>If Buck’s memories of everything are skewed, if all he needs right then is for Jay to be there, the least he can do is leave their baggage behind, if only for a while.</p>
<p>The best he can, at least.</p>
<p>“Hey tiger.” Shy steps bring him to the bedside, hand slowly reaching down to grip Evan’s hand in his own.</p>
<p>“I’m so glad you’re here.” Evan replies, squeezing Jay’s hand tightly.</p>
<p>“Where else would I be?”</p>
<p>Maybe in another time he’d be pulling Evan into his arms, pressing a kiss to his lips and telling him that he loves him. But that time is not now, and those words are lodged too deep in his chest.</p>
<p>Instead he simply lets his thumb caress the back of Evan’s hand. “You really are a danger magnet, you know that?”</p>
<p>“I told Kelly you’d say that.” Evan grins back, shifting so as to rest his head against Jay’s arm. “But I’m safe now. I have you and Kelly, and Maddie! Did you know that Maddie’s here?!”</p>
<p>Jay can’t help but laugh softly at the puppy dog like enthusiasm. “I didn’t, but I’m glad.”</p>
<p>“Me too.” Evan beams. “Everything’s really confusing and I don’t know why I’m here but… having you all with me… I feel better.”</p>
<p>“I wish you hadn’t felt wrong in the first place.”</p>
<p>“I missed you.” Evan whispers, and it snaps Jay’s gaze directly to him. “I don’t… I just know I missed you.”</p>
<p>A shaky breath leaves the PD officer, tears pricking beneath his eyelids. “Yeah, I missed you too.”</p>
<p>Maybe it’s the part of him that hopes he can fix what he broke, but Jay takes a chance in that moment, pressing a kiss to Evan’s forehead and then resting his own against it. “So much.”</p>
<p>“Why did I leave?” Evan whispers a moment later, voice cracking slightly. “My Captain told me… I…” He swallows thickly, pressing a hand against his own tear filled eyes. “Why was I here without you?”</p>
<p>Jay pushes back the bile in his throat that rises at the question, and sighs. “I made a mistake.”</p>
<p>Evan just blinks. “A mistake that couldn’t be fixed?”</p>
<p>“We…” He stops the words as quickly as they spring to mind. It was hardly the time or place to delve into four years of guilt and insecurities. “You should get some rest.”</p>
<p>“I’m fine, Jay… I…”</p>
<p>A knock on the door submerges the room in sudden silence, the moment passed yet neither sure where to go from there. Slowly, Jay pulls away from Evan, turning to the door. “I should…” He thinks it’s probably a nurse, but his heart stops the moment a head peeks around the door.</p>
<p>Bright eyes and a ruby smile beneath bright red hair, the woman looks straight at Jay as she speaks. “Hey, BJ’s getting hungry, so we’re gonna go get some food. You want anything?”</p>
<p>There’s a terse silence, and then Evan is looking at Jay in a way the older man had never wanted to see again. “You… brought someone…?”</p>
<p>Jay sighs, raking a hand over his face.</p>
<p>This was definitely not the right moment for this, but now he was left with no choice.</p>
<p>“Just…” He gives Evan what he hopes is a pleading look. “Give me one second?” Then he’s dashing out the door amidst Haley’s soft apology and Evan’s whispered “I’m not going anywhere.”</p>
<p>A moment later, he steps back into the room, hand gripped tightly around the hand of another.</p>
<p>He can see the moment Evan takes in the four year old hiding behind Jay’s leg, the sudden influx of questions that must race to the forefront of his mind, expression switching far too quickly for Jay to read.</p>
<p>Jay just smiles, bending down to speak softly to the young boy, then hoisting him up to sit on the bed beside Evan’s waist. “This is Benny.” He watches the name register, swallows again the bile that lines his throat. “Benjamin Severide-Halstead.”</p>
<p>Another moment as Evan’s expression settles in a mix of joy, disbelief, and guilt, then his shaky voice whispers. “Hi Benny.”</p>
<p>The four year old just smiles around the end of his thumb. “Hi Daddy.”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Chapter 5</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I was so shocked to wake up yesterday to 14 comments (now 15!) on the last chapter!! Thank you so much guys for all your support! :D I was going to write and post this one yesterday, but I had really bad back pain so I couldn't sit and type :( But it's here now, and I really hope you enjoy it!</p>
<p>*Throws angst at AO3*</p>
<p>A couple of people wondered about the ship in this story and I have to say, I don't know. Originally it was going to be Buddie endgame, hence why both pairings are tagged (Past Bay. Future Buddie). Then my mind created Benny and now I honestly don't know.</p>
<p>Also, Benny is sometimes referred to as BJ or - in later chapters - Junior. This is because he's named after his grandfather, so is Benjamin Jr.</p>
<p>Disclaimer: I don't own 9-1-1, Chicago Fire or Chicago PD. I'm just too obsessed with fictional characters and pairings that will never be, haha.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“He means well.”</p>
<p>Kelly glances over at his sister, the two of them sat in opposite chairs in the hallway. “Yeah.” He grumbles. “I’m sure he does.”</p>
<p>Maddie sighs. “Kelly…”</p>
<p>“Evan told me about them.” Kelly adds, shifting forward to look directly at her. “I know more about Diaz than you think.”</p>
<p>“But you don’t know everything.” Maddie replies softly. “Eddie’s been through a lot. Maybe as much as Evan has.”</p>
<p>“I doubt it.” Kelly mutters.</p>
<p>Maddie’s eyes narrow, but she doesn’t ask the questions on her lips, focusing instead on the moment at hand. “He may have hurt Evan, but he’ll make up for it.”</p>
<p>“How do you get to be so optimistic?” Gone is the anger and the sullen protectiveness. Instead, all Maddie sees is pain in her brother’s gaze. “Because I’ve been here too many times. I’ve seen people hurt him enough to know that I can’t trust anyone… especially not with his heart.”</p>
<p>“Even this Halstead guy?”</p>
<p>“Even him.”</p>
<p>As if on cue, footsteps echo down the hallway – two pairs – and both siblings look up to see a dark haired man carrying a young boy, and a red haired woman at his side. Maddie ducks her head a second later, not recognising them, but Kelly stands, gaze softly narrowed.</p>
<p>“Jay.”</p>
<p>“Kel…”</p>
<p>Soft blue eyes reveal themselves from the crook of Jay’s neck, a beaming grin stretching wide as the boy yells. “Uncle Kelly!”</p>
<p>Maddie’s head shoots up, but neither party pay her any heed. Jay wordlessly hands the boy over to Kelly, who hugs him tight. “Hey BJ. Did you enjoy the plane ride?”</p>
<p>“Uh huh.” The boy nods quickly. “We played on the ‘puter and... and Papa let me have some cake!”</p>
<p>“Oh wow.” Kelly grins back at him. “What type of cake?”</p>
<p>“Daddy’s favourite!”</p>
<p>“Chocolate cake?”</p>
<p>“Yep! Yep! Yep!”</p>
<p>The red haired woman laughs softly. “And I think someone has a sugar rush as a result.”</p>
<p>“Nuh uh!” A quick shake of the head.</p>
<p>Kelly smiles over at her. “Hey Hailey.”</p>
<p>“Long time no see.” She smiles back.</p>
<p>“I, uh…” Jay clears his throat. “I wasn’t sure if I was gonna be able to keep him here, so… Hails offered to come.”</p>
<p>“Anything for my favourite kid.” Hailey grins, ruffling BJ’s hair. The boy squirms in Kelly’s arms, so the firefighter puts him down, where he swings around on Kelly’s hand instead.</p>
<p>“Is he…” Jay looks down at BJ, smiling softly, then up at Kelly as the smile disappears. “Can I see him?”</p>
<p>“Yeah…” Kelly can feel his sister’s eyes on them both. “Uh, room 120.”</p>
<p>Jay just nods, bends down to speak quietly to the boy, then heads off to Evan’s room.</p>
<p>There’s a moment of near silence then, punctuated by the reappearance of Eddie from Evan’s room. The other man regards Kelly for a second, confusion lighting his eyes at the sudden appearance of the young boy still hanging off his arm, before he turns to Maddie and offers her a soft smile.</p>
<p>“I’ll be back tomorrow?”</p>
<p>At the very least, Kelly appreciates that he’s somewhat asking for permission, and wonders if maybe Maddie is right about him.</p>
<p>His sister sees him off, but then she too is regarding the boy with curiosity before looking up at Kelly, and he can see the questions she wants to ask.</p>
<p>He knows he’s not going to get away with giving her anything less.</p>
<p>“I think I could use a coffee.” He says softly. “You want anything Hailey?”</p>
<p>“I think I’m good for now.” She smiles back. “I’ll just keep an eye on BJ?” She reaches out a hand, and the boy latches on with a grin.</p>
<p>Kelly nods as Maddie says, “I could use one too,” and then they’re leaving the space outside Buck’s room together.</p>
<p>Maddie barely waits until they’re around the bend before letting the questions spew from her lips. “Was that Halstead? So who was she? Is he with someone else? Is he gonna break my brother’s heart? And that kid called you Uncle?”</p>
<p>“Breathe, Mads.” Kelly can’t help but laugh at how she doesn’t even take a breath in between each question. “His name is Jay Halstead. He’s with CPD Intelligence.”</p>
<p>Maddie’s eyes widen just slightly. “So that’s what you meant when you said he was on an op?”</p>
<p>“I mean… I hadn’t called him yet, but… yeah.” Kelly runs a hand through his hair, sighing softly. “The woman is Hailey Upton. They work together, and they’re more like siblings than anything else.”</p>
<p>Maddie blinks, brows furrowing as they reach the coffee machine. “So… the kid…?”</p>
<p>He focuses on each quarter that slides into the machine, presses the dispense button, watches the thick brown sludge pour out into a thin polystyrene cup.</p>
<p>“He’s our nephew.” He settles on eventually. “Jay and Evan’s son.”</p>
<p>Maddie just blinks, shock written all over her face, even as he presses the coffee into her hands and sets about vending a second one. Eventually, she chokes out. “What?”</p>
<p>“I told you they were complicated.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>Benjamin Severide-Halstead</em>
</p>
<p>The name reverberates through his brain like an alarm, clanging around until he can hear nothing else, and yet no memories spring forth; nothing happens to tell him how or why.</p>
<p>Instead he’s just left blinking dumbly at the four year old, whose smile has not diminished, and then up at Jay, whose eyes are pink and teary.</p>
<p>Careful not to pull his stitches, Evan lets his hand card through the dark hair that so resembles Jay, heart full to bursting as the boy lies down beside him and slings an arm over Evan’s chest.</p>
<p>“Love you, Daddy.”</p>
<p>Holding Benny close, he knows it’s no word of a lie as he whispers. “Love you too.”</p>
<p>Teary eyes meet Jay’s own then, the other man having sat back down beside the bed. “I don’t… I don’t understand…”</p>
<p>Jay swipes at his own tears, a shaky breath leaving him. “I was gonna do this better but… I didn’t want you thinking there was someone else.”</p>
<p>“So there isn’t?” His own shaky voice betrays the fear and uncertainty that has plagued him from the moment the woman came to the door.</p>
<p>“No. It’s just me and him.”</p>
<p>“And we…” Evan looks down at Benny, at the painfully bare hand resting on the child’s side. “We’re not… married?” He thinks back to the first few moments of waking, to the confused, concerned look on the doctor’s face when he wasn’t sure about his surname.</p>
<p>Jay sadly shakes his head. “We never made it to the alter.”</p>
<p>“Why?” The single question comes out hard and bitter. “What happened to us?” His heart breaks at the thought of anything that could be bad enough for him to move across country; for him to leave <strong>his child</strong>.</p>
<p>“It’s a long story.” Jay whispers. Benny snuffles, suddenly asleep at Evan’s side, and a true smile pulls at his face. “Flight tuckered him out. I knew the sugar rush wouldn’t last.”</p>
<p>Evan looks down at <strong>their son</strong>, maps every feature, and all he can wonder is why.</p>
<p>Why would he leave him?</p>
<p>“I can hear your gears turning.” Jay says softly.</p>
<p>Evan tears his gaze from Benny. “I just have a lot of questions.”</p>
<p>“I’d say ask away but I feel like we’re gonna need a whole evening and a lot of alcohol.”</p>
<p>A small laugh unwittingly escapes him; god, he’d missed Jay’s dry humour. “You’re making it sound worse.” He glances down at Benny, then back up at Jay, stony gaze begging him not to lie. “Is he really… mine?”</p>
<p>Jay scrubs a hand over his face, as if trying to rub away the pain that suddenly alights his eyes. “You have every right to distrust me, Evan. I know we’re not giving you a lot right now, and I wish to god I could just be straight with you but… it’s hard. I mean, we’re talking three years of…” He stops, rubs at his eyes again, then reaches over and grips Evan’s hand tight over their son’s sleeping form. “But I would not lie about this. Not to him, and not to you.”</p>
<p>He knows when Jay is lying, and can see nothing but pain and love waring between each other in his expression. Squeezing the other man’s hand tight, he nods. “Okay. I… okay.”</p>
<p>Another moment passes, and then the door is swinging open; Kelly’s dark eyes seeking out Jay.</p>
<p>Jay looks over at the man and sighs, then squeezes Evan’s hand again with a whispered, “I’ll be right back.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Kelly knows something is wrong the moment he arrives back at the area outside Evan’s room and sees that Benny is missing. He darts over to Hailey, unspoken pleas racing through his mind. “Please tell me he didn’t take Benny in.” He can see the answer before she speaks it, doesn’t wait, and heads straight for the door.</p>
<p>The moment he steps onto the threshold, sees his nephew curled up beside Evan, the fondness in Evan’s gaze looking over at Jay, Kelly snaps. His dark gaze seeks out the officer immediately, an unspoken demand.</p>
<p>The moment they’re in the hallway, the door closed behind them, he growls. “What the hell were you thinking?”</p>
<p>“Kel…”</p>
<p>“Unless the next words out of your mouth are ‘I wasn’t,’ I’m not sure I want to hear them.”</p>
<p>Jay rakes a hand through his hair, own anger rising. “Look, Hailey came in because BJ was getting hungry. Evan thought I’d brought someone, and the look on his face… I didn’t want to hurt him.”</p>
<p>“What, so you’re gonna pretend now and hurt him later?”</p>
<p>“No!” Jay snaps, looking hurt. “God, Kelly, I know you’re team Buck but do you really think that little of me?”</p>
<p>Kelly sighs. “I’m sorry. But I know how much it’s gonna hurt him when he remembers.”</p>
<p>“Who says he has to?”</p>
<p>The darkness returns to Kelly’s eyes at that. “What?”</p>
<p>“I know I messed up, Kel, and not a day has gone by that I haven’t regretted it – for the most part, anyway.” He glances back at the room that holds the two most important people in the world to him. “But Benny hasn’t seen his Dad in almost three years, except for video calls. Maybe this is fate letting us be a family without everything we went through.”</p>
<p>Kelly’s gaze is still steely. “You mean what you put him through.”</p>
<p>“He would have come back. I know it.” Jay’s voice drops, tender and laced with his own pain. “Doesn’t he deserve to be in his son’s life? Properly?”</p>
<p>“He deserves the truth.”</p>
<p>It’s the last thing Kelly says before turning and heading into Evan’s room, sure he needs to do some damage control.</p>
<p>His little brother is still regarding the sleeping boy by his side, eyes soft with love and fondness, but mouth pursed like he doesn’t quite believe what his eyes are showing him.</p>
<p>“Hey, kiddo.”</p>
<p>It takes a moment for Evan’s eyes to detach from Benny, and then he regards Kelly oddly, like he too is a puzzle piece Evan can’t quite place.</p>
<p>“I don’t need to have amnesia to know you’re all keeping things from me.”</p>
<p>Kelly sighs, slipping into the same chair Jay had been occupying. “You always were the smart one of the three of us.”</p>
<p>“Nah.” Evan laughs, but it’s dry and hollow. “The walls are just thin, and you’re loud when you’re angry.”</p>
<p>“Sorry.” He knows he should have kept his emotions in check around both Jay and the 118, but it’s hard when he knows everything that has happened to his brother, even if Evan himself doesn’t.</p>
<p>“I’m not sure I even care about most of it.” Evan whispers, and that shocks Kelly for a moment, brows furrowing as he regards his youngest sibling. “I mean, yeah… my mind obviously forgot these things for a reason but… none of it compares to him.” Pained eyes focus once more on the four year old. “Why did I leave <strong>him</strong>?”</p>
<p>His hand brushes over the soft dark locks. “Parents split up, I know that… <strong>We</strong> know that… but… why would I leave him?” A dark chuckle passes by his lips. “God, I sound like a broken record but… it’s all I can think.”</p>
<p>Kelly sighs, looking down at Benny himself and then back up at Evan. “You had a reason. I’m not sure I agreed with it at the time but… you did what you had to.” He reaches over, clamping a hand on Evan’s shoulder and squeezing. “It doesn’t change the fact that you talked to him more days than not. You never stopped being his Dad.”</p>
<p>“Jay said he wouldn’t lie to me about him, and I know he wouldn’t, but… I also know there’s something he isn’t telling me.”</p>
<p>Kelly lets his hand fall, soft eyes watching his nephew’s even breaths and peaceful smile. Several moments pass before he looks back at Evan, words heavy with meaning as he says;</p>
<p>“You are his Dad. No-one can ever change that, except for you.”</p>
<p>The door clicks open as Jay steps back inside, eyes dark and pained as he regards the three of them.</p>
<p>Wordlessly, Kelly stands and moves to leave, giving Jay a subtle nod as he passes.</p>
<p>Closing the door behind himself, Jay sighs. “We need to talk.”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Breaking Points</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Thank you so so much again for all the love you’ve been giving this story. I am completely overwhelmed, especially after being gone for so long. This chapter I’ve had in my head for a while, and I really hope it lives up to expectations.</p>
<p>Disclaimer: I don’t own 9-1-1, Chicago Fire, or Chicago PD.</p>
<p>Trigger warnings for grief, depression, substance abuse, infidelity, and lots of angst. Please read with care, and if you are struggling, speak to a friend, family member, or trained professional.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>
    <em>Chicago – 7 years and 9 months ago</em>
  </strong>
</p>
<p>
  
</p>
<p>Peals of laughter and joy emanate from the Severide household amidst raucous applause.</p>
<p>The back garden is filled to the brim with family and friends; a blonde haired male wearing a large badge that reads ‘21’ in the centre of it all.</p>
<p>“Happy Birthday toooooooo yooooooooooooooou!” The crowd sings terribly off key, but if anything it simply makes the man’s grin grow. Evan Severide hadn’t had the easiest childhood, and this was something he never could have imagined having only three years prior.</p>
<p>A cold bottle is unceremoniously shoved into his hand, a slightly taller, dark haired man slinging an arm across his shoulder; his brother, Kelly. “You’ve earned it bud.”</p>
<p>Another man, salt and pepper hair betraying his age, ruffles the blonde’s hair fondly. “Just don’t drink it too quick kiddo.”</p>
<p>Evan rolls his eyes with a laugh. “Yes dad.”</p>
<p>Benny Severide simply grins at his two sons, never prouder. “We’ve got something else for you.”</p>
<p>“Is it a car?” Evan jokes with a smirk, earning a clap around the ear from Kelly. Both brothers worked as firefighters at Station 51 – taking after their father – and knew that nothing could compare to driving one of the rescue vehicles.</p>
<p>Benny just grins, “better,” and gestures over to their Battalion Chief, Wallace Boden.</p>
<p>Boden clears his throat, drawing the attention of the still drawn crowd. Most of the partygoers were other firefighters or first responders. “From the moment Evan Severide walked into my firehouse, I knew he’d be trouble.”</p>
<p>A ripple of laughter starts with Evan and passes through the crowd. It was no secret how cheeky and sometimes reckless the brothers could be, but it was also no secret how good they were at their jobs.</p>
<p>“Two Severide’s under 51’s roof. I certainly had my work cut out for me.” Boden continues with a grin. “But like his brother, Evan has proved himself time and time again. He is the epitome what it means to be a firefighter. Now, something very special happened last month.” He turns his grin directly at Evan, pride shining in his eyes. “Evan completed his rescue certifications, and passed with flying colours.”</p>
<p>It was something he already knew, but he hadn’t quite told his brother, wanting it to be a surprise. The look he gets in that moment fills him up with pride and love.</p>
<p>Then Boden continues, and for a moment Evan doesn’t quite realise why.</p>
<p>“This came for him yesterday.” Boden holds up a thick manila envelope. “It states that Evan James Buckley-Severide will be a member of Rescue Squad Three, effective Monday.”</p>
<p>Evan’s jaw quite literally drops, certain that HR would have denied any request to have him put on his brother’s team.</p>
<p>A moment later, he finds himself hugging Boden, a grin threatening to split his face in two. “You are literally the coolest Chief ever.”</p>
<p>Boden just chuckles. “Just promise you won’t give me any extra paperwork.”</p>
<p>Evan laughs. “I’ll do my best.”</p>
<p>His brother pulls him into the tightest hug, eyes shining. “I’m so proud of you.”</p>
<p>“Not mad he broke your record, Kel?” A new voice teases, and Evan pulls himself away from his brother to find a man with dark hair and soulful eyes smiling at them.</p>
<p>Kelly laughs. “He’s the only person I can’t be mad at, Jay.” A moment later he says. “I don’t think you two have officially met. Evan, this is Jay Halstead. I’ve worked with him on a couple of arson cases. Jay, my little brother, Evan Severide.”</p>
<p>“Good to meet you, officially.” Jay grins, shaking Evan’s hand. The younger tries not to let himself melt under the other man’s stare. “Kelly’s told me a lot about you.”</p>
<p>“Is that so?” Evan throws a glance to his brother, who seems suddenly preoccupied with his phone.</p>
<p>“Maybe once or twice.” Kelly shrugs noncommittally.</p>
<p>“Or five or ten.” Jay’s still grinning. “I have no doubt you’ll break his other record too.”</p>
<p>He does, making Lieutenant barely a year later, though that day ends up being about so much more than just his career.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <strong>
    <em>5 years and 6 months ago</em>
  </strong>
</p>
<p>
  <strong>
    
  </strong>
</p>
<p>Almost two years after they start dating, Jay books them into Evan’s favourite restaurant.</p>
<p>It’s too late for his birthday or Christmas, and too early for Jay’s, but Evan doesn’t complain, especially when his favourite steak and sides are placed in front of him. If anything, he’s much too distracted by both the good food and the company (especially when Jay’s wearing the metallic navy blue shirt that Evan bought him for Christmas) to wonder much about why they’re here.</p>
<p>It’s their anniversary in nine days, but they’d already booked to go to Vermont for that, so nothing immediate springs to mind as a reason for the special outing.</p>
<p>But yeah, it’s not like he’s complaining.</p>
<p>Their desserts have just been served when Jay reaches across the table to take his hand. The skin tingles, and for a moment Evan just marvels at how one person can make him feel so special and loved – one person who chose to love him for who he is, scars and all.</p>
<p>Then Jay slips down onto one knee, and Evan feels his heart stop.</p>
<p>A choked gasp slips from his lips, eyes wide, as Jay pulls out a small velvet box from his pocket and flips it open.</p>
<p>A stunning silver ring is nestled inside, Evan’s birthstone and Jay’s nestled in the centre, intertwined like yin and yang.</p>
<p>“Evan.” Jay’s voice carries across the room, even as it shakes with a mixture of nerves and love. “I was honestly gonna wait to do this until our anniversary but… not a day goes by where I don’t think of how much I want you by my side forever… and I can’t take another minute, without asking you one very important thing.”</p>
<p>“Jay…” Evan’s voice trembles, tears streaking down his cheeks.</p>
<p>He can’t believe this is happening.</p>
<p>“I love you, more than anything in this world. I love how you make me laugh, how your eyes crinkle just so. I love how you stumble into the kitchen every morning looking like a zombie, until you’ve had two cups of coffee. I love how you care so much about everyone around you. I love… how you have so much love, and how freely you give it. I love everything about you, Evan James Buckley-Severide, and I never want to be without you. So… will you do me the honour, of becoming my husband?”</p>
<p>“Yes.” Evan slips from his own chair, kissing his now fiancé with everything in him. “YES!”</p>
<p>The entire restaurant applauds them, but the couple can see nothing but each other as Jay slips the ring onto Evan’s finger.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>A month later, Erin Lindsay, Jay’s first love, returns to the Chicago Police Department. The two are made partners again, but even as several nights of bearing their souls to one another come back to Evan – how Jay felt he’d never truly gotten closure from her just disappearing – he only needs to look at the ring on his finger to remind himself:</p>
<p>Jay chose him, and he <strong>is </strong>good enough for someone to stay around for.</p>
<p>He won’t let his insecurities tell him any different.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <strong>
    <em>5 years and 1 month ago.</em>
  </strong>
</p>
<p>
  <strong>
    
  </strong>
</p>
<p>They’ve just come back from a large scale industrial fire when they find out.</p>
<p>Evan is already half way to the showers, covered head to toe in soot, when Kelly’s shaky voice calls him back.</p>
<p>“Dad’s in the hospital.”</p>
<p>By the time they arrive at Chicago Med, they’re too late.</p>
<p>He’s already gone, and both feel the weight of not being able to say goodbye suddenly threatening to crush them where they stand.</p>
<p>Both brothers spiral after that.</p>
<p>They throw themselves into work, into <strong>saving people</strong>, but there’s a film of grief clouding their every judgement; their perception of the situations they enter into.</p>
<p>It takes five weeks for it to turn deadly, and they’re lucky Evan escaped with only a torn rotator cuff.</p>
<p>Boden puts them on leave immediately; can only regret not doing it sooner.</p>
<p>And Jay…</p>
<p>Jay feels like there’s been an impenetrable wall between him and Evan from the day after Benny died. The first evening, Evan had cried into his chest for hours until he feel asleep, but the next morning… it was like something had died within Evan too.</p>
<p>The evening he brings Evan home from the hospital, his shoulder taped and bandaged, a second surgery on the horizon, his fiancé just sinks to his knees and cries.</p>
<p>As Jay gathers him up and holds him close, promises that he isn’t going anywhere and never will, he can only hope it gets better from there.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <strong>
    <em>4 years and 11 months ago.</em>
  </strong>
</p>
<p>
  <strong>
    
  </strong>
</p>
<p>It gets worse.</p>
<p>Evan won’t talk to him about it, won’t open up, and Jay is at a loss for how to help. Casey has his hands full with Kelly, which leaves very few people for Jay to go to for advice.</p>
<p>It ends up being Erin who finds him slumped at his desk, eyes ringed red from worry and lack of sleep. He’d noticed missing doses in Evan’s pills.</p>
<p>“He just needs to know that you’re there for him.” She says softly. “That you’re not going anywhere.”</p>
<p>“I’ve told him so many times.” Jay responds, scrubbing his hands over his face. “I just…”</p>
<p>“Show him.” Erin says, throwing his jacket at him. “Actions speak louder than words, Jay.”</p>
<p>He goes home early, holds Evan close and refuses to let go even as the other man grumbles that he’s ‘fine’ and that he’s ‘going back to work in a few days.’ He doesn’t stop until Evan breaks down in his arms, and even then…</p>
<p>He still doesn’t let go.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>For the better part of two weeks, they’re okay again. Evan agrees to therapy, to switch out his meds. He tries to talk more, and sometimes Jay just sits and listens. Other times, they share together.</p>
<p>They come out of it stronger.</p>
<p>Then Hank assigns him and Erin to a deep cover op – one week, no contact.</p>
<p>He does everything he can to convince Hank that he can’t do it; tells him that he won’t leave Evan alone for that long.</p>
<p>His pleas fall on deaf ears, and he ends up having to entrust Stella with Evan’s care.</p>
<p>For five days he plays his part, acts a small time drug baron with Erin hanging off his arm, even though every moment that passes makes him sick to his stomach.</p>
<p>On the sixth, they make a <em>deal</em>, and the man they’re after is so beyond ecstatic that he brings out several bottles of expensive alcohol. It dulls his senses more than he’d expected, eases the not in his stomach.</p>
<p>For the first time in days, he feels like he can breathe.</p>
<p>So he reaches for another glass.</p>
<p>He doesn’t question Erin’s lips on his.</p>
<p>He doesn’t question what comes after.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The raid takes place the next day, but the elation Jay should have been feeling has turned to a sour mix of guilt and fear.</p>
<p>He goes home to a waft of freshly baked cookies and the laughter of Evan and Stella in the kitchen.</p>
<p>Evan greets him with a kiss, asks how the op went, but it’s almost immediately obvious that something is wrong the moment Jay manages only a whisper of “we got them.”</p>
<p>Stella looks between them both, brows furrowed, before excusing herself. Her “call me if you need me” to Evan rings too loudly in Jay’s ears.</p>
<p>“You okay?” Evan asks softly, chancing a smile. There’s a quiver of emotion in his eyes that sets Jay on edge immediately.</p>
<p>It’s like Evan knows something bad is coming.</p>
<p>Jay just wishes it weren’t as bad as it is.</p>
<p>“No.” He replies, because Evan deserves nothing less than the truth. “I, uh… you might want to sit down.”</p>
<p>Evan inhales sharply. Those words never preceded anything good. “Whatever it is… just tell me.” He takes Jay’s hands, squeezes, and Jay can just feel the cold band around his finger.</p>
<p>His guilt increases tenfold.</p>
<p>“Whatever it is,” Evan continues, “we can get through it.”</p>
<p>Jay hopes to god that he’s right.</p>
<p>“I, uh… last night…” He presses at his temples, willing himself to just find the right words. “Erin and I…”</p>
<p>“No.”</p>
<p>That single word breaks what’s left of Jay, hands falling to his sides as Evan pulls back like he’s been burnt.</p>
<p>“No.” Evan repeats, shaking his head like he can will this away as a dream. “Tell me… Tell me you didn’t.”</p>
<p>“I’m sorry.”</p>
<p>That’s all it takes. The anger and despair that had previously filled every inch of Evan after Benny’s death seems to return with a vengeance. A vase filled with fresh flowers hits the wall and smashes into several pieces.</p>
<p>“Evan…” He reaches out; wants to take him in his arms like he did before and make everything better, even if he knows he can’t.</p>
<p>“Don’t touch me!” Evan snaps, chest heaving. They stare at each other for several long moments before Evan stalks past him. “I need air.”</p>
<p>The door slams shut behind him, and the sound echoes deep within Jay, covering the sound of his own heart breaking.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <strong>
    <em>4 years and 9 months ago</em>
  </strong>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Nine torturous weeks follow.</p>
<p>Evan spends two at Kelly’s before he even speaks to Jay, and it’s almost two more before he agrees to move back home and talk through it.</p>
<p>He listens to Jay’s apologies, hears the promise that ‘it meant nothing’ and asks a simple question.</p>
<p>“Were you too drunk to know what you were doing? Or just drunk enough to forget you had someone waiting for you?”</p>
<p>It breaks Jay’s heart that he has to ask.</p>
<p>“I don’t remember it.” He says. “I wouldn’t have even known if we hadn’t woken up together.”</p>
<p>Evan just nods. The engagement ring stays on his finger, and it’s enough to give Jay hope that they can get past it.</p>
<p>They slip into some sort of a routine, almost like before, but the flat is devoid of the laughter and mirth that once filled it to the brim; of the solid, trusting love they’d once shared.</p>
<p>Quiet conversations become tainted with snapped words and barbs, and Jay feels his worry for Evan increase once more, even if he knows he’s responsible.</p>
<p>It comes to a head one Saturday, when he receives a call from Erin out of the blue. Evan’s dark chuckle of “just go running to your girlfriend,” hits too deep, and Jay snaps back for the first time since the confession.</p>
<p>They fight, and Evan storms out angry and hurt.</p>
<p>Jay breaks a mirror, knuckles bleeding and hastily taped, before he goes to find out what Erin wants.</p>
<p>She simply gives him a picture, and all at once Jay feels his already fragile heart both shatter and reform.</p>
<p>The form is small and blobby, yet clearly recognisable for what it is, even without her name printed at the top.</p>
<p>Teary eyes meet her cold ones, and she tells him what they’re going to do.</p>
<p>He ends up heading straight to the station, asks Trudy to put him on some extra shifts working patrol.</p>
<p>He needs the overtime, he tells her, but he doesn’t tell her why.</p>
<p>She offers him a shift that afternoon – someone having called out sick – and Jay takes it without hesitation. There’s a part of him that wants nothing more than to go after Evan, but he also knows they both need space.</p>
<p>As it turns out, they end up being one in the same.</p>
<p>He’s finishing up their third call of the day when another comes through the radio.</p>
<p>“Bar trouble.” His temporary partner grins. “My favourite.”</p>
<p>Jay feels something coil in his stomach, but he doesn’t know what it is until the moment they pull up outside the bar and he sees his fiancé’s very familiar jeep in the parking lot.</p>
<p>He’d thought they were already at rock bottom, but it seems that arresting your fiancé for public intoxication is even further into the abyss.</p>
<p>He lets the man detox for a few hours, Jay’s eyes too red rimmed to face him, before he pays the bail and takes him home.</p>
<p>The moment the door shuts, he faces Evan with a hard gaze. Guilt and self-loathing had solidified into anger and stubbornness, and he wasn’t willing to let this carry on any longer. He’d let his own recrimination affect how he handled things, and it was clear Evan was spiralling without a firm hand.</p>
<p>Yes, he’d made a mistake, but this… this was too much, and Jay Halstead had had enough.</p>
<p>“You need to get clean.” He says, and he doesn’t even bother with Evan’s look of despair or soft excuses. ‘Waking up’ in a cell was surely a wakeup call, but Jay couldn’t trust that it would be enough.</p>
<p>“If not for us,” He continues, because he isn’t sure that there’s going to be much of an ‘us’ left for them after this, but at the very least they have something more important binding them now. Something that could truly make or break them, and Jay hopes to god that it’s the former. “Then for our child.”</p>
<p>He places the picture Erin had given him on the table, watches at Evan stares at it for a long moment before disbelieving eyes snap up to meet Jay’s.</p>
<p>“She’s pregnant?”</p>
<p>“Evan…” He can see the want in the other man’s eyes, warring with the disbelief and the hurt that still runs deep.</p>
<p>“No. No.” Evan steps back, shaking his head. His hands are trembling with the clear signs of withdrawal, but it’s nothing compared to the quiver of his lips. “You don’t get to talk to me right now.”</p>
<p>“You’re not exactly a saint right now.” Jay says tersely. “And she doesn’t want it. She’s treating it as a surrogacy. This is <strong>our</strong> kid, just without the paperwork and bureaucratic bullshit.” He pauses for a moment, lets his voice soften. “We have talked about it.”</p>
<p>The first time was just before they got engaged. The last time was one of the few times Evan had broken down after Benny’s death, admitting that Benny had been the best father he could have asked for, and that he could only hope to be the same one day.</p>
<p>It doesn’t quite hit the mark though. Evan just scoffs, expression betraying nothing more than hurt. “Wow. You’re really looking at this from a whole other world, Jay. This isn’t something we <strong>decided on</strong>. This doesn’t come out of love and commitment. <strong>This is fallout</strong>.”</p>
<p>Jay sighs. “I know I did something incredibly stupid, but this… Seven months. Seven months, and then we’re gonna have something too precious and fragile to fail.”</p>
<p>A long moment passes, their gazes locked on one another. For half a beat, Jay hopes he might have gotten through.</p>
<p>Evan turns wordlessly, but at the very least, it’s the bedroom door that slams shut this time, rather than the front door.</p>
<p>What he doesn’t see is the way Evan sinks to the bed, pulls up his knees, and cries. He’s oblivious to the thoughts running through his partner’s head; the anguish over his own mistakes, the fear of being like his father, the worries of inadequacy.</p>
<p>He only finds out later about the call Evan makes, the shaky voice that pleads to the man who – in a perfect world – would be his brother in law.</p>
<p>“I need help.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <strong>
    <em>4 Years and 2 months ago</em>
  </strong>
</p>
<p>
  <strong>
    
  </strong>
</p>
<p>He goes to rehab, and things start to get better, slowly, but his worries of inadequacy continue to keep him awake at night. He stays with Kelly or Will a lot of the time, doesn’t see Jay as often, but the times they are together are better than they were.</p>
<p>They talk more openly, even if there’s still some things unshared, and Evan goes to every single one of Erin’s doctor’s appointments.</p>
<p>The two share little words between them, but there’s some semblance of respect at least.</p>
<p>She knows he doesn’t have to do this; owes them very little.</p>
<p>He knows she could have tried to get between them; didn’t have to turn this into something good.</p>
<p>It works, for the most part.</p>
<p>“But I still don’t know.” He shares with his therapist, one afternoon. “I don’t know how I’m supposed to get past it. I feel like we’re in this limbo; together and not.”</p>
<p>Talking can’t do everything, and there’s still a rift between them.</p>
<p>Then he gets the call that Erin has gone into labour, and everything seems to evaporate in an instant.</p>
<p>For seventeen hours and nineteen minutes, there’s only the three of them and the new life they’re bringing into the world.</p>
<p>The nurse asks for a name as they clean the baby boy and place him in his mother’s arms.</p>
<p>“Benjamin.” Jay responds, gaze fixed solely on Evan. “Benjamin Severide-Halstead.”</p>
<p>It feels like Evan’s heart starts beating in his chest for the first time in too long, and the moment the tiny bundle is placed in his arms, he feels his entire body simply explode with love.</p>
<p>“Hi Benny. I’m your Daddy.”</p>
<p>
  <strong>
    
  </strong>
</p>
<p>
  <strong>
    <em>2 years and 11 months ago</em>
  </strong>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>They go to couples therapy, work through a lot of their lingering issues, and for a while it seems like they’re okay.</p>
<p>Neither bring up the topic of a wedding, despite the ring that still sits firmly on Evan’s finger, but they’re happy as they are; two daddies and their baby boy.</p>
<p>He manages to push down every worry, every fraction of anxiety, to be the father his kid needs, and it works.</p>
<p>They work.</p>
<p>For a while, anyway.</p>
<p>Benny’s first word is ‘Dada’ and it explodes Evan into a million pieces of heart shaped confetti. His locker at work holds so many photos of the kid, is all he talks about to his colleagues, and to anyone who didn’t know any better, they wouldn’t know that there was no DNA shared between the two.</p>
<p>They pass Benny’s first birthday, and then… things start to change.</p>
<p>Evan becomes more withdrawn, and no amount of probing from Jay can unlock the chains he’s once again wrapped around himself. The strains in their relationship resurface, tensions linger more often, and their sessions eventually go unattended.</p>
<p>In the space of a few months, everything seems once again turned upside down.</p>
<p>Then Jay comes home one evening to find Evan sat at the dining table, a sheaf of papers in front of him.</p>
<p>“Evan…?” Jay’s mind races, voice shaky.</p>
<p>“I think I need to get out of Chicago for a while.”</p>
<p>Jay blinks, dumbfounded. “Like a… a holiday?”</p>
<p>“A transfer.”</p>
<p>“I don’t understand.” He slips down beside the other man, hates the way Evan won’t even meet his eyes. All the progress they’ve made seems to evaporate into smoke. “What about Benny? What about us?”</p>
<p>Red, bloodshot eyes rise, and something about the swirling emotions in them haunts Jay to his core. “Can we really keep saying that he’s mine?” Evan’s voice is barely a whisper. “I love that kid more than anything else in this world, but lately… every time I look at him…. I just see <strong>her</strong>. Then I look at <strong>you</strong>, and all I do is remember.” He shakes his head, fingers clenching in tangled locks. “I feel like I’m losing my mind.”</p>
<p>Jay pulls Evan against him immediately, pushing his hands down and stroking his head slowly. “I’m sorry.” He whispers. “I’m sorry I did this. But you are his Dad. No-one is ever going to change that.”</p>
<p>“I forgive you, I do.” Evan croaks, burying his head in Jay’s chest. “I just… I don’t think I can forget, and every day I stay here is making me hate – ”</p>
<p>“Me?” Jay interjects, heart clenching.</p>
<p>But Evan shakes his head, pulling away just slightly to look at the other man. “Myself. I hate myself for not being good enough.”</p>
<p>“For who?”</p>
<p>“Both of you.” He swipes angrily at the tears streaking down his cheeks. “I don’t want to feel this way. I think I need space.”</p>
<p>“Where?”</p>
<p>“LA.”</p>
<p>“You’ll come back?” Jay hates the way that his voice is almost pleading, but there had been no word of a lie when he’d said to Evan that he never wanted to live without him.</p>
<p>But it’s an answer he can’t give, and Jay just nods.</p>
<p>“I’ll wait. However long it takes.” He forces himself to stand, can’t stick around while the man he loves walks out of their lives, and he can hear Benny stirring through the monitor. “And by the way, you of all people should know that family isn’t blood.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <strong>
    <em>LA Airport - 13 months ago</em>
  </strong>
</p>
<p>
  <strong>
    
  </strong>
</p>
<p>He spends almost two years in LA before he can truly come to terms with everything.</p>
<p>Helping Abby through her mother’s passing works more than anything. The moment he sees her off at the airport, her words about finding herself ringing through his mind, is the moment he realises that he shouldn’t have run.</p>
<p>Once he’s safe inside the jeep, trembling hands pull out his phone, unlocking it ready to scroll to Jay’s name.</p>
<p>Before he can, a social media notification pops up.</p>
<p>Hank Voight posted –</p>
<p>He smiles softly and opens it, expecting to see Hank and Benny. Though Erin wasn’t a part of his life, Voight had still taken to the role of grandfather.</p>
<p>What he sees stops his heart dead.</p>
<p>It’s a selfie of Hank and Erin. In the background, he can see the all too familiar figures of Jay with Benny in his arms.</p>
<p>She was back in Chicago, and Jay hadn’t told him.</p>
<p>For all their weekly conversations, his nightly bedtime stories for Benny, and even the unspoken moments between them that echoed what still could be, Jay hadn’t told him.</p>
<p>He curses himself for being sure, even for a second, that he <strong>was</strong> good enough for them; for wishing that he hadn’t left.</p>
<p>For believing that he should have stayed.</p>
<p>Suddenly he can see as plain as the day that he was never going to be enough; that Jay was probably glad he’d left, in the end.</p>
<p>The small, rational part of his brain tries to make sense of it – that it might not be what he’s thinking – but… why else would she come back?</p>
<p>Insecurity threatens to swallow him whole, and Evan can feel himself spiralling back into everything he’d tried so hard to get away from.</p>
<p>Had Maddie not shown up that very evening, there was no telling where Evan Buckley-Severide might have ended up.</p>
<p>His conversations with Jay become shorter and stilted after that, until barely anything remains of what they once were.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Please don’t be too angry with me :) I love Erin (even though I don’t like how she treated Jay), but it had to be someone that Jay would have lingering feelings for in order to ‘make sense.’ Similarly, I love Jay, especially this little bubble I’ve created of Bay, but I can’t have him always be the knight in shining armour compared to Eddie. One of the main arcs of this story is how Evan has been hurt by both of them, how he has reasons to forgive both of them, and them him, and how this will impact his future.</p>
<p>Also, Abby was just a friend. I couldn’t really work it into the paragraph without it sounding weird.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. The Truth... Hurts?</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I love the comments on the last chapter and how so many of you are saying ‘Team Eddie’ now. I’ll just say that the previous chapter wasn’t the whole story (Do you know why Erin came back? Hm?). That said, I’m actually toying with the idea of a third party whom both Eddie and Jay end up being jealous of, haha.</p>
<p>Disclaimer: I don’t own 9-1-1, Chicago Fire, or Chicago PD.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The moment they’re alone, Jay feels his mouth go dry, words dying on his lips.</p>
<p>It was hard enough to talk about it when it was happening, but now… to talk about what happened to the man he loves, because he doesn’t remember it? To dredge up all that they went through, when part of him feels like they should be using this chance to be happy again…</p>
<p>It feels wrong.</p>
<p>Even when he knows it’s the right thing to do.</p>
<p>Slipping into the chair that rests on the other side of Benny, Jay goes to reach over for Evan’s hand, then stops and thinks better of it.</p>
<p>Evan shouldn’t have to give him any support in order to be able to do this.</p>
<p>He should do this – will do it – because he still loves Evan with all of his heart, and there’s nothing he wants more than for them to be a family again.</p>
<p>“Jay?” Evan whispers softly, eyes pinched like he knows that what he has to say isn’t good. Then again, ‘we need to talk’ never preceded anything good.</p>
<p>Jay takes a breath, rights his thoughts, and starts talking. He explains what he did, how it affected them, and why Evan left Chicago. He tells him that not a day has gone by where he doesn’t regret it; that the only bright spot in it all was that it gave them Benny.</p>
<p>He watches the emotions that pass over Evan’s face, but they seem to flit too quickly between one another for him to get a read on the other man. When he’s finally done, he waits several moments, expecting the other man to say something, anything.</p>
<p>Evan just rubs at his eyes, teeth gnawing at his lower lip.</p>
<p>“What are you thinking?” Jay nudges gently.</p>
<p>Evan sighs. “Honestly, I don’t know what to think.” His gaze glances down to Benny. “I… I wish I could feel something more than just disappointment but… it all feels like an echo; like it’s not me who should be feeling anything about it. And then…”</p>
<p>Jay doesn’t press. He waits; lets Evan unmuddle his thoughts.</p>
<p>“I’m wondering if it should have broken us, but you’re saying I stayed, at first… you’re saying I was still in contact, even when I left, and I wonder… I wonder if part of me had hoped there was something to be fixed…”</p>
<p>He glances up at Jay, eyes shining. “You’re saying that I’ve been gone years, but… you never found someone?”</p>
<p>“I was hoping you’d come back.” He answers truthfully.</p>
<p>Evan pauses again, glances back at Benny, and runs a hand through the boy’s curls. “I don’t want to be out of his life anymore.”</p>
<p>“You don’t have to be.” Regardless of what happened to them, Benny was always going to be more important. “What happened… Whatever does happen… You’re still his Dad.”</p>
<p>Even lets that sit in his mind for a moment, then nods, gaze still focused on their sleeping child.</p>
<p>“Don’t get a hotel.” He says, eyes slowly moving up to meet Jay’s. “Kelly has my stuff, I… I can’t promise anything… but maybe we can try; for his sake, if nothing else.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Kelly Severide finds himself staring at Station 118 the following day, and while something in his mind tells him that this was a bad idea, that Evan wouldn’t appreciate it even with his memories, nothing can deter the protective older sibling from tearing his brother’s so-called team a new one.</p>
<p>He’d only needed to speak to Evan for several minutes to know that Nash and the others had not been wholly truthful to him about matters, and just remembering the faux concern from Nash has his fists balling at his sides.</p>
<p>So he pushes aside the guilt and second thoughts, and makes his way inside.</p>
<p>He finds them easily enough, up on the balcony above the truck bay – a kitchen – eating together. He wonders just how they could have found it so easy to do the same weeks prior, knowing Evan was down below them, excluded and forgotten.</p>
<p>It’s Nash who sees him first and the dumb confusion and “we weren’t expecting you” annoys him, but what’s worse is the way Wilson turns to him with a look of panic and says “is Buck okay?”</p>
<p>“He’s fine.” He says tersely, because he’s not mad enough to let them think otherwise, if only for Evan’s sake. “Better without you all confusing him.”</p>
<p>“What’s that supposed to mean?” Nash snaps, suddenly looking less friendly towards the elder brother.</p>
<p>“You’re making him think he has something here worth remembering.” Kelly responds, gaze narrowed. “And while I wouldn’t stop him from regaining his memories <strong>or </strong>forgiving you if he chooses to, I won’t let you lie to him.”</p>
<p>“No-one has lied to him.” Diaz says.</p>
<p>“You haven’t been truthful either.” Kelly says. “Maybe it eases your guilt over what happened, but pretending like everything is fine isn’t going to help him. Or you.”</p>
<p>“We – ”</p>
<p>“No. He’s been hurt too many times by people who were supposed to care about him.” Kelly snaps. “I won’t let you use this as a way to obtain forgiveness without working for it.”</p>
<p>“And what about <strong>him</strong>?” Diaz says. Kelly doesn’t need to ask who he’s talking about. “Buck obviously left Chicago for a reason but you’re letting him lie too?”</p>
<p>“Jay <strong>has</strong> been truthful to him. He had all the more reason too.” Kelly replies, even though he has his own well of anger directed towards Jay too. “But I’m not going to let him hurt Evan again, either. No-one gets to, ever again, not while I’m still breathing.”</p>
<p>“We never wanted to – ”</p>
<p>“It doesn’t matter.” Kelly cuts them off again. “Evan has enough to focus on right now between getting better, and <strong>his son</strong>.” He doesn’t want to use his nephew like this, but these people need to understand that Evan doesn’t <strong>need</strong> them; that there’s no world where he will forgive them simply because he has no-one else. He needs them to know that they have to work for it.</p>
<p>The look of shock on each of their faces tells him they understand enough the implications – that Evan could choose easily to go back to Chicago.</p>
<p>Kelly would prefer it, if he was honest. He’s not going to be the one to jump up and say Jay was the best person for Evan to be with, but at the very least Benny deserved to have his father in his life.</p>
<p>Jay was right about that.</p>
<p>And Kelly wouldn’t at all mind having his brother back in the same city – the same state, even - as him.</p>
<p>“Don’t give him more to think about unless you’re willing to put him first for a change.”</p>
<p>He leaves them to ponder on it, and is glad that none of them show up at the hospital that evening.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Hailey ends up being called back to Chicago, while Jay requests further leave. He doesn’t really know how this is going to pan out – whether Evan is truly going to let him back into his life – but he’s been given a chance, however small, and he isn’t going to waste it.</p>
<p>If there’s any chance at all that he can regain the man he loves – the other father of his child – then it’s a chance he knows he has to take.</p>
<p>No matter what happens, at least he’ll know he tried.</p>
<p>The day Evan is released from hospital, Jay takes the jeep to pick him up. Benny is ecstatic at his Dad being able to come home and play games with him, using the car ride to tell Jay about everything he wants to do.</p>
<p>“And… And maybe we can go to the zoo!” He says excitedly, and Jay feels something inside of him twist at the thought of his son losing this again.</p>
<p>They get Evan home, and the younger man is immediately swayed by their son into playing racecars and building blocks, into watching his favourite TV show, but the beaming grin that fills Evan’s face tells Jay everything.</p>
<p>This man is not going to be pulled away from his son again.</p>
<p>Which leaves Jay with two options.</p>
<p>Convince Evan to come back to Chicago, or uproot his and Benny’s lives to come live in LA.</p>
<p>He knows which option he’d prefer, if only to protect Evan from further harm if nothing else; it hadn’t escaped his notice that the 118 hadn’t come by the hospital again since that first day.</p>
<p>But then, of course, mere hours into their pleasant family afternoon, Diaz comes by.</p>
<p>Jay watches the two for a long moment, stood in the doorframe of the loft – both nervous for entirely different reasons – and gives a soft sigh. “Hey, BJ?” He calls over to their son, still playing with the cars Evan had now abandoned. “How about we go out and get Dad some cake?”</p>
<p>“Yeah.” Benny grins widely, jumping up and racing over to grab his Papa’s hand. Jay helps him get his shoes on while Benny calls over to Evan. “Daddy?! Do you want chocolate cake?!”</p>
<p>Shoes on, he bounds over to Evan’s side, whispering. “We can shares it.”</p>
<p>Snapped out of his stupor, Evan knees down to him, pressing a kiss to Benny’s cheek. “I’d love some chocolate cake, kiddo. Maybe you can show me some more of that super buggy machine warriors, thing.”</p>
<p>Benny giggles. “Robot ninja bug battle!”</p>
<p>“Yeah, that.” Evan grins, ruffling his hair. He watches them leave, meets Jay’s eyes as they pass, and then he’s left with Eddie. All he can do is wonder why the other man is here now, after not turning up, as he lets him inside.</p>
<p>“You didn’t come back.” He says. Maybe in another lifetime he wouldn’t have been so blunt, but he’s tired of people keeping secrets from him. He’s tired of feeling something still between himself and Jay, yet feeling it tainted by what he doesn’t know. He’s tired of wondering why he’d stayed in LA for so long without Benny; what might have tied him to this city.</p>
<p>He’s tired of not knowing.</p>
<p>“I’m sorry.” Eddie says, shifting on his feet, uneasy. “Your brother stopped by the station and – ”</p>
<p>“You were scared?” It’s the one reason Evan hadn’t considered and yet it was of course the most obvious. “He has that effect on people.”</p>
<p>“He’s very protective.”</p>
<p>“He is.” Evan agrees. “Which makes me wonder why he wanted to protect me from you.”</p>
<p>Silence rules the loft, and Evan sighs. “I know there are things you’re all still keeping from me.”</p>
<p>“That’s why I’m here.” Eddie replies, and to Evan’s surprise, he tells him everything.</p>
<p>That he’s only been in LA just over a year himself, but that Evan was his first and strongest friend here. That they were best friends. That Evan had done everything in his power to be there for Eddie, and how – ultimately – Eddie had not done the same for him.</p>
<p>He tells him about the truck – phantom leg pains rippling through Evan for barely a moment – and the embolism. About how they’d told him to move on, to push past it, but how Evan had instead fought to get back to them.</p>
<p>How they hadn’t seen it that way.</p>
<p>How they’d pushed him away.</p>
<p>How <strong>Eddie</strong> had pushed him away.</p>
<p>When he’s done, he doesn’t look at Evan expectantly, like he’s assured of forgiveness. Instead, he just looks tired, and Evan’s heart goes out to the man.</p>
<p>Slowly, he moves over, pulls him into a brief but reassuring hug.</p>
<p>The look on the other man’s face tells him it was the right move; shock softening his features.</p>
<p>“It’s okay.” He says, because he can’t say that he forgives him, not really, but he also can’t hold a grudge either; not when he only knows what he’s been told. Not when his own life feels like a story.</p>
<p>Eddie opens his mouth – presumably to argue, because surely it can’t be that easy – but Evan just shakes his head with a small, sad smile.</p>
<p>“It’s like I told Jay… I don’t know how to feel because I don’t remember how I felt.” He swipes at a stray tear on his cheek. “It’s like shrodinger. I’m hurt because I’m hurt by an idea of what I went through. I’m hurt because I was hurt. But… at the same time… I don’t remember how to feel hurt, and maybe that’s what my mind is protecting me from.”</p>
<p>Another pregnant pause follows, broken only by the trill of Eddie’s phone.</p>
<p>He glances down at the screen once, then back up at Evan. “I just wanted you to know.” He says softly, and Evan can tell there’s more on his mind but perhaps the trill of the phone pushes the matter away for another day. “I… need to go pick up my son.”</p>
<p>Evan blinks softly. He doesn’t know why it surprises him – considering his own situation – but it does. “You have a kid?”</p>
<p>At this, Eddie smiles, his eyes shining with memory and… something more. “Yeah. Christopher.”</p>
<p>“Christopher.” The name sparks something in his mind – not a memory or a remembrance, exactly, but a feeling of… something. His eyes meet Eddie’s, and something else jolts at the back of his subconscious. Again, it isn’t a memory, more like a feeling – cloudy and murky but there all the same – and he wonders whether this man was the reason he’d stayed in LA.</p>
<p>He wonders if this man was the reason he could have considered LA a home.</p>
<p>Maybe that’s why, as Eddie had said, everything that had gone wrong between them had hurt so much.</p>
<p>For the first time since his accident, Evan wonders why his life had gotten so complicated and whether, maybe, he was better off not remembering at all.</p>
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